Mommy, Daddy, Sis, Grandma, Grandpa!
by livi510
Summary: What happens when Alucard goes kiddie? But he's got the same look? And the least expected people become his mom, dad, sister, grandma and grandpa. from chapter four of Rewritten on, as this is an alternate ending.


DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HELLSING AND ANY CHARACTER EXCEPT FOR MY OWN OC. COMPRENDE?

My OC, Kate, is originally in my other story, Rewritten. So you might want to read that to understand what's going on and how her personality is. This story is an alteration to after Kate threw a lamp at Alucard's head, and the other story explains why.

It's not really humor…well, it is, but I dunno if it's a good story…since it's my first time doing humor.

* * *

Children, no matter how old, always want their parents. And siblings, and grandmas and grandpas. Especially one that's about 500 years old and sucks blood.

Alucard took a rather sharp rap to his head, by a lamp thrown by no other than Kate, since their fight…she wasn't all that happy, and now, he was "unconscious".

-Hellsing HQ-

Alucard's eyes slowly opened from his sitting position in his fancy chair.

"Tch. You finally woke up. Took you long enough." Kate said from position, leaning against the wall with her hands crossed, still in her long black skirt, plain T-shirt with a black trenchcoat over.

"MOMMY!!" Alucard was suddenly on the floor, bawling his eyes out and huddled into a ball. Kate was taken aback.

"Um…Alucard?" She approached him.

"I WANT MY MOMMY!!" He continued crying. Kate sweatdropped without him seeing it and did the "happy upside-down U" smile.

"Ah…chotto matte." She burst out the door leading to Alucard room and dashed as fast as she could up to Integra's office.

"Integra!" She ran up to the desk and slammed her hands down. "Heinsane mommythingyidon'tknowwhatahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!"

"KATE!" Integra roared.

"Sorry." Kate meekly replied. "He's up."

"And?"

"He wants his mommy."

"His…" She twitched. "Mommy?"

"Yeah."

"Ask him who she looks like." She grabbed the phone and asked for Seras and Walter. "We'll follow shortly."

"Ne…Alucard…" The "kid" wasn't exactly calming down. She sat next to the crying man (0o) cross-legged. "How does your mom look like?"

"She…(sniff) has really long hair and…is really pretty…(sniff)…and she looks really pretty and has pretty eyes and has pretty hair and she's always pretty…"

"Uh…hold on…" Integra was already outside with Walter and Seras.

"What did he say?"

"You wouldn't believe me."

"Tell me."

"His "mom" has really long hair." Kate looked at Integra. "He may be referring to you, or me." She cocked a thumb at the closed door. "Most likely you. We can all enter, and let him choose."

"Um…Integra-sama, I do agree with Kate." Seras said. The older sighed.

"Let's go." Kate plopped down next to Alucard as the others filed into the room.

"Are any of these people your mommy?" Kate asked quietly. Alucard looked up from his sobbing and sniffing, and immediately, chose Integra.

"MOMMY!!" He ran up to the formally dressed Integra and gave a hug. Integra was having a "WTF" expression…and Walter along with Seras was trying REALLY hard not to laugh. Then he turned to Walter and in that same younger voice…: "Hi grandpa." But he didn't hug him, like with his mom. Then Seras was glomped. "How come you look so old, sis?"

"Sis?!" Seras exclaimed. Alucard tilted his head to the side.

"But how come only grandpa has black hair…" "Mommy" stepped in.

"I and sis dyed our hair a different color than from before."

"Kiss?" Alucard said with those oh-so-innocent eyes. Integra was speechless. Too late…their lips met. Kate did a fall in the background. He ruffled Seras's hair playfully. "But where's daddy?"

"Uh…He'll come soon. He's…uh…working." Integra replied hesitantly. Walter was behind her.

"Integra-sama, despite this, you must get ready for your meeting with Enrico Maxwell." Integra sighed.

"I need to go and do some work." She directed it at Alucard.

"But I thought you didn't do anything, since father doesn't let you. It's war, remember?"

"…He changed some things, Vlad."

"Ok, mom." Kate looked at Integra. "Vlad?" she mouthed. Integra had the "Yes" look, and left with Seras and Walter.

"I think I should go too." Kate told Alucard. But when she was about to rise to exit, Alucard suddenly hugged her, the force knocking her over and Alucard was on top.

"Can you be my ane-san?"

"Ah…Eh…Uh…" Kate was blushing.

"Because you're nice and I like you."

"Oh…EH!?" Alucard got off and sat on the side, waiting for the answer.

"And you're really pretty." He grimaced. "Father would kill you though." Kate sat up, with a slight flush.

"Ano…How is your father like?"

"He's really tall, and wears a silver cross. He also wears glasses and doesn't like me. He only wants me to be a soldier."

"Oh." His hyperactivity came back.

"So can you be my ane-chan?"

"Uh…sure." She thought of his "dad". "Should I ask your dad?" His innocent eyes widened.

"No! He'll kill you!" Kate smiled, and thought of her own parents, long gone.

"It's okay." Alucard once again glomped her, but didn't bash her off balance like the hug only a few moments ago.

"No."

"Uh…" Kate blushed again. "I need to help your mom, Vlad."

"I won't let you go until I see Dad myself."

"Okay…But can you let me stand?" Alucard nodded. As soon as she was up, his vise grip was on her hand. Odd…having a grown up about a foot taller than her act like he was a kid.

"I'm gonna follow you the whole way."

"Okay." Integra was waiting for Kate outside.

"I thought it was just you, Kate, with Walter."

"It's a change of plans." Integra dismissed it and entered the car. Alucard, no matter what, was going to stay next to Kate. The car rode on the road to London, the Imperial War Museum.

Kate was already starting to nod off to sleep, having less sleep than usual from the overwork. Alucard prodded her cheek, snapping her back to reality.

"What's wrong, ane-chan?"

"I'm just tired."

"I thought you're supposed to be really wide awake by now…" Alucard sighed. Within half an hour, they reached the entrance to the museum.

"Wow…" Alucard said with awe. That coming from him…is FREAKY. Integra ignored him and they soon approached a drawing titled "Knight in the Battle of the Milvian Bridge" by Caster. A few tense minutes passed, and the look on Integra's face made it no better.

"The time, Walter?" Integra casually inquired.

"3:00 pm. Exactly." He replied.

"Seems our inviter is late." Voices then came from the hallway and Maxwell with another escort came. Then the two noticed the waiting group.

"Oh. It appears we are late." Maxwell said. Alucard was still holding onto Kate's hand when he dragged her and glomped Maxwell.

"Grandma!" Maxwell was, like Integra's reaction before, "WTF" written across his face. Integra shot a look of "Don't ask yet or else I will shut your mouth and () kill you". Kate shot a look of desperation at Integra and Walter, and they both couldn't help but feel sad for Kate. Yet at the same time laughing like hell due to the fact Maxwell was a guy and Alucard just called him a girl.

Alucard drew away and dragged Kate back to behind Integra. Kate sensed Integra would want a private talk with Maxwell and his escort. But before she was about to take Alucard away, Maxwell intervened with an introduction, brushing off the odd event earlier.

"Good afternoon—good afternoon. Sorry for keeping you." He approached the group. Alucard seemed oddly at ease, although these were his enemies…before the incident.

"Do not approach me any further," Integra gritted out. Alucard's face was obviously confused, as in his world, his mother and grandma went along pretty well. "What business do Iscariots have here?"

"Well," Maxwell took off his glasses while remarking, "I certainly don't feel welcomed. Allow me to introduce myself. I am the commander of Division XIII: Enrico Maxwell. Pleased to meet."

"State your business!" Integra stuck a finger out at Maxwell. "Introductions are useless."

"Haha…don't be mad. I'm not here for a conflict."

"And HOW am I to believe THAT!?" Integra raged. "Iscariot violated innumerable treaties, raiding our land, attacking our organization, and not only that, killing two of our soldiers!"

"I was almost killed too!" Integra still jabbed her finger at him. "DON'T tell me YOU weren't AWARE!" Alucard gripped Kate's hand harder, his face twisted with terror.

"So what?"

"What do you mean, so what?!"

"Just because we're so soft now, doesn't mean you can just trample us when tensions ease. I don't care if it's two or a million English casualties." A dark look passed his face. "If it weren't under the order of the Vatican, we wouldn't even be here." His face was wrenched into mocking. "So I suggest that you shut up and listen! You ignorant heathen sow!"

Kate immediately formed the same gatling she had almost used on the soldiers and Alucard before in the blink of an eye.

"Sow?" She prodded the twenty-two foot long gun forward that just was a foot away from Maxwell's head. "What does that make you, a piece of shit?" Kate smirked. "And don't forget the past, ne?" Alucard, hanging onto her left hand, was a bit shaken, although he would have usually been "I'M GONNA KILL YOU YOU DAMNED PIG". But now he was going: "Why is ane-san trying to kill obaa-san and why do kaa-san yell at her?"

"So don't think you'll be leaving England alive, ikeike…" She cocked off the safety of the large artillery. "…since I WILL kill you!"

"Oh, I'm paralyzed with fright." He adjusted his glove. "I believe we're not talking business anymore. For the last time: if these weren't dire times, we wouldn't even be here. We shall say—good-bye." He snapped his fingers. "At attention!" Integra, Walter, and Kate stiffened at that, realizing what was to come. "AAANNNDDEEERRRSSSOOONNNNN!!" Maxwell yelled.

The man started walking forward from a distance, muttering his usual speech of killing and Amen and God and whatnot. He held four of his knives on the left, and one on the right. He walked forward from his position, ranting his usual stuff, approaching the two religious groups.

"No! Anderson!" Maxwell shouted at him. Integra was puzzled and shocked at the same time.

"I shall purify all with a single blow." His face was already insane by the time he reached them. "Mine enemies stand before mine eyes."

"Your presence is enough, Anderson! Stop!" Maxwell was gesturing frantically for him to stop. He turned to Integra. "Please go! We'll speak another time, perhaps…He loses control at the sight of you." Then they were horrified as Kate, with a slightly trembling Alucard still gripping onto her hand, wielded her large weapon, sneering like the usual Alucard would do…if his mind were still in this "world". The tension broke with one word.

"DADDY!!" Alucard suddenly dragged her over, still wielding the large gun…to his dad. Anderson. Is. His. DAD.

"Ye dae realize ah was hoping to kill him, right?" Anderson said while Alucard was still hugging him to Kate. The gun fell back to the Earth.

"Yup. Completely." She grinned. "You weren't informed?"

"No. Whit does it look to ye?"

"…That you're having a fun time with Alucard actually hugging you…" She looked at the grown man gone kiddie hugging the other man…his archrival. "Daddy." Kate smirked.

"Since when dae ye star in this?" Kate shot him a look that was rather still desperate.

"He wants me to be his older sister…and his Dad, you, he says is going to kill me."

"And?"

"Then he'll "kill" you himself…"

"Ah'll have th' rematch later…ye're not kidding?"

"WHAT. DOES. IT. LOOK. LIKE. TO. YOU." Kate gritted out.

"Daddy, how come you're never home?" Anderson had to resist the urge to slap his face and roar "WAKE UP YOU MORON!" so instead, with a lot of hesitation, smiled softly, with the smile reserved for the church children. If only they could see him going insane…they would cry in fear and write their will rather quick.

"Ah have te work, like yer mom said."

"But how come you two don't sleep together anymore?" THAT brought a long period of silence. Integra's face whitened along with Anderson's. "And how come you're so mad at her?"

"HOW old is he?" Anderson said from the corner of his mouth.

"I don't know." Kate replied softly.

"I'll be sleeping with ane-san tonight." Alucard suddenly hugged Kate, and she lost all color. If that was possible.

"Help." Kate squeaked out from the suffocating grip. "Kami-sama. Help. Please."

"Ah ahm not going tae feel sad for ye." Anderson said.

"Or I could sleep with mommy and daddy!" Alucard said excitedly, looking up at Anderson…even though they were the same height.

"Tha' ain't good…" Anderson regretted what he said before Alucard's supposed change of mind.

"And how come daddy's so short?"

"Uh…you got taller, Vlad." Kate said next to him. "A lot taller."

"Oh…then how come sis, mommy, and daddy all have blond hair except for me?"

"They all dyed their hair a different color so you would be an exceptional heir." Kate lied. Anderson scoffed.

"Exceptional heir." The priest huffed and crossed his arms. "Tae mine killing."

"Anderson." Integra said. "WE are going home." She emphasized on the "We". Maxwell raised an eyebrow.

"Perhaps another time?" The commander inquired.

"No." Alucard pouted in his kid way. "Granny's coming with us. And then grandpa can be with you!" Everyone's face crumpled in despair. Other than, of course, Alucard.

"Ano…Vlad…maybe next time…" Kate said gently with a slight crease in her forehead.

"No." He looked a bit mad now…into the scary part we go.

"Uh…Vlad, your mother and father didn't plan this…" The crease deepened and Anderson along with his "wife" were now cautious.

"NO!" Alucard stormed out the room, dragging Kate and twisting her arm as he did so.

"Vlad…" He kept storming despite Kate's pleas.

"VLAD!" Anderson bellowed. Alucard stopped in his path and turned around forcefully, yanking Kate into a 180.

"Ow…"

"What!?"

"PUT HER DAOWN NOW!!"

"WHY!?"

"BECAUSE YE HAVE TAE!!" Under his breath, he muttered: "Lest a man can dae fo' a girl and insane strength tha's killing…" Alucard looked with angry eyes at Kate, and noticed her wincing in pain. His face softened, and he tenderly put her down. She rubbed her left shoulder and massaged the injured area.

"VLAD!" Integra yelled. "YOUR **FATHER** WILL **NOT** KILL HER AND I WILL _**NOT **_I ALLOW THIS!" Alucard's lower lip started to tremble.

"FINE!" Alucard steamed.

"I'll be going to Wal-Mart…" Kate grumbled.

"Can I come?" Alucard asked.

"No, he won't be going." Anderson said. Kate shot a look saying "It was a joke, you idiot".

"Crash at my house?" Kate requested. The term "crash" didn't make much sense to the old-fashioned group. She sighed. "Just staying at my home." A look to Walter was the sight of him feeling relieved as she said: "We only have room for Vlad's mother and father, Vlad, and me."

"I'LL SLEEP WITH NEE-CHAN!!" Vlad hugged her.

"Oh great demon." Anderson murmured. "De worst pairin' in histo'y."

-Kate's Home-

"I'll just ask that you don't sleep on Naomi-san's bed." Kate said quietly as the happy campers entered her home. Alucard hurtle-landed on the plushy sofa and within ten seconds, was bouncing away. She set out two futons with a complete set in the master bedroom.

"Why not?" He questioned. A pained face overcame Kate, and Integra answered.

"Because it's a special bed for Naomi-san." Kate couldn't speak anymore. Her throat tightened and her mouth ran dry. She escaped into the kitchen, making some simple food. It was the regular sandwiches, with lettuce, tomato, and a small slice of scrambled egg.

"Thank ye." Anderson said. Integra just nodded her head. Alucard examined it.

"What is it?"

"It's a sandwich. You eat it." Kate said.

"I dunno why, but I want to eat blood." Kate took a step back.

"Uh…" She scratched her head. "That's a bit odd…"

"Oh?" Anderson had the insane face again. "Ye want tae figh'?"

"OY!" Kate yelled. "NO BLOOD SHEDDING IN MY HOUSE!!" She bit her lip, thinking of Naomi-san. "Please." Then she went and kneeled next to the TV, searching for a button.

"Ane-chan?" His voice cut through.

"I'm just going to play my Xbox 360." Round eyes. Chibi. TOO cute to resist. Kate got persuaded. Alucard was going to have fun with the Xbox.

The 80 inch plasma TV flickered on and when Kate turned on the Xbox, Gears of War just happened to be the CD. Oh no. Anderson came in just in time to see Kate killing Alucard with a chainsaw in the game. Evil idea.

-An Hour Later…-

Alucard was sleeping soundly on the couch when Anderson came in with a chainsaw. A HUGE chainsaw about the size of a small fridge.

_RROOOOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR_

Alucard flinched and woke up with Anderson having the chainsaw DIRECTLY over him.

Kate burst into the living room.

"YOU ARE FRICKING INSANE!!" She slammed her hand against the chainsaw, and it disintegrated into the tatami. "FREAK." Kate massaged her forehead while slamming Anderson in the face. "FREAK. FREAK. FREAK." She sighed. "I'm okay." Alucard hugged Kate tightly.

"Dad was going to kill Kate, wasn't he?" Kate was suffocating, since her face was pressed into his chest.

"DAMN IT! I! CAN'T..!" She punched Alucard away and gulped in air. "BREATHE!" Kate glared at Anderson. "OUT OF ALL THE PEOPLE IN THIS HOUSE! YOU ARE A CHURCH ORPHAN UPBRINGER AND YOU KNOW THE SITUATION RIGHT NOW!!" She smacked him in the face again. "GAH!"

The girl stomped off into her room and the shouji door shut with a _BANG_.

"Did I do something, Daddy?" "Vlad" asked.

"Er...No."

"Then why was ane-san yelling?"

"Because she was mad at your dad." Integra entered the room.

"Oh yeah! Mom!"

"..." Integra looked at Alucard. "Yes?"

"Where do babies come from?"

"..." Integra was speechless. Same with Anderson.

"..." Kate happened to overhear that from her bedroom. "What the hell are they teaching him?" She muttered.

* * *

Okay...I'm pretty sure this sucked. But I hope it's not boring. R&R please! The next chapter might not be in a while though...


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